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October-ganza 20: The Skeleton in Armor

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October 20, 2014 by Bret Kramer (aka WinstonP)

The aforementioned skeleton

[T]he most interesting relic of antiquity ever discovered in North America the remains of a human body armed with a breastplate of species of mail and arrows of brass which remains we suppose to have belonged either to one of the race who inhabited this country for a time anterior to the so called Aborigines and afterwards settled in Mexico or Guatamala or to one of the crew of some Phoenician vessel that blown out of her course thus discovered the western world long before the Christian era… The American Magazine, 1837

In 1832 a curious set of human remains were uncovered in Fall River, Massachusetts. The body, which had been buried in the crouching position, was adorned with a sort of makeshift brass armor and brass arrow-heads.  Unfortunately the remains and their associated artifacts were destroyed in a mammoth fire that leveled much of the center of of Fall River in 1843, so what we know of this curiosity comes from a scattering of contemporary accounts.

While most observers at the time logically assumed that the body was that of a Native American, others, such as Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (or the above author), assumed that he was instead an errant Viking or Phoenician; more recent crackpots have suggested it was a Templar knight.  We know better, that this was a Hyperborean refugee from the destruction of Kranoria.  Obviously.

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